"John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13" DVD Review -Jeremiah (3.5 out of 5)

“In the meantime, I got this plan. It's called “Save Ass.” And the way it works is this – I slip outta one of these windows and I run like a bastard!”

You just don't get dialogue like that anymore. Hell, you could say the same thing about “John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13.” Campy, low-budget, yet competently made movies are, sadly, a thing of the past. Nowadays, if they are low budget, they aren't made with a hand anywhere near as sure as Carpenter's. (sigh)

For being only his second film, it was actually pretty decent -- at times masterful, yet still falling short of being a masterpiece. All the Carpenter staples are there: from the wonderfully bad acting to the simplistic yet effective synthesizer music, With stops in the middle for an assortment of strangers flung together by fate to battle a rarely seen and impetuous evil.

The story is clear... sort of. Even Carpenter admitted some of the elements were “murky” on the DVD commentary. Ethan Bishop (the marvelously named Austin Stoker) is keeping a watch over a police house in the process of being decommissioned. With him are two sectaries/switchboard operators, Julie (Nancy Kyes) and Leigh (Laurie Zimmer). A Prison transfer bus stops by, because one of their prisoners is sick. While they are waiting the station is assailed by a gang. Killing all but two of the new arrivals. There is the nefarious Napoleon Wilson (with the prodigious name of Darwin Joston) and a prisoner known only as Wells (mundanely christened Tony Burton). Among the casualties are the warden, Starker ( the divine alliteration of Charles Cyphers).

Now you may be asking, “Why is this gang attacking this police station?” That's a perfectly fair question. Let's see if we can figure it out. It's either a.) One of their members was killed by Lawson (the blandly titled Martin West), the man who ran into the station. Granted, he shot the gang member because the gang member shot his little girl, Kathy (Kim Richards). So apparently this chain of events caused this gang to just charge our hapless heroes en masse. Or there's b.) Sunspots.

(stifling laughter) I love John Carpenter.

The acting is crap-tatic all around. The best performances come from Burton and Stoker. They manage to bring some energy, while everyone else seems to sleep walk through their roles. Yet the standout is Darwin Jotson. He is phenomenally bland, so much so that he becomes fascinating to watch. It's the Uncanny Valley Effect, which is essentially the theory that says once something reaches a certain point then becomes the opposite of what it is.

Now I would like to retract a statement from my previous essay. The statement was, "...he cannot resist the ever-fickle siren song known as the 'Casio keyboard.'" Upon listening to the DVD commentary and talking to some friends who are more musically inclined than myself, I realize I was in the wrong. When "Assault" was made, synthesizers were not as common as they are today. In fact, the recording process was such that you had to record one track for each chord, or something along those lines. In other words, while now we would just use a keyboard, back then it was a long and arduous mixing process. With this information it makes the movie's musical score all the more impressive. For while it sounds like the base line for a bad 80's dance song, it is, in fact, pretty good considering what he had to work with.

The movie has a wonderfully slow yet rapt pace to it. It is very much an urban western. Urban in setting and cast, but western in mood and style. In fact, Carpenter has cited "Rio Bravo" as a major influence. Indeed, the long pans of the local landscape and terse delivery of the dialogue only serve to prove that fact.

There is a scene I must mention, which stands out. It involves two prisoners trying to decide who goes on the suicide mission the group has come up with. They make the decision by playing an ancient hand jive game known as "Hot Potato." There's something uniquely entrancing about watching two grown men play this game. To give Carpenter his due: he manages to, in the midst of this absurdity, create a thin veil of suspense. Achieved through a mixture of cut-aways, slow zooms, and music. An early hint of his technical mastery.

The faceless army of gang members are seen as just that, faceless. They spend most of the movie obscured by shadows. Their reason for attacking our hapless heroes in a "kamikazi" fashion is loosely explained. They are trying to kill a bereaved father.

Yet can they really be that mad? Did they not expect some kind of retribution for killing a little girl? Especially from the father? Of course, there's always the "Sun Spots" theory. (smile)

There is a remake of, "Assault on Precinct 13". Unlike the remake of "Escape From New York," it is not by Carpenter. In fact, from what I've read it contains actual actors: the depressingly underrated Brian Dennehy, Ethan Hawke and Laurence Fishburne, among others. They have even given it a full blown plot, free of the murkiness of the original. Sadly, in the modern update there is no Napoleon Wilson.

What made the original soooo good was that it managed to be good in spite of itself. I guarantee the remake doesn't have anything half as original or bizarre as the "Hot Potato" scene, and that's a shame. Real plot, real actors... no fun. Talk about failure to understand the source material.

*** ½ out of *****

Yours Until Hell Freezes Over,
Jeremiah