Force the Sherman I: Vampires Are NOT People, Too

Dear Goth Kids,

I know life sucks, as do all jocks and cheerleaders (though, you really should have second thoughts about the cheerleaders... they personally make me happy in a special way). But to exclude anyone who dares to not be you? Well, that just makes you as bad as them. Also, what is with your rampant obsession with vampires (or as I call them, “the douchebags of the night”)? I bring this up because of the anime movie I recently watched. So I guess, in retrospect, this goes out to all anime fans as well:


Dear Goth Kids and Anime Fans,

I have a strong suspicion that goth kids and anime fans gravitate towards the same bigotries. The film was “Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust” (or "Banpaia Hanta D," in the Japanese), a futuristic, Victorian sci-fi explodathon about vampires (read: douchebags of the night) and D (Andrew Philpot), the half-human, half-vampire hunter who hunts them. Oops, I forgot one:


Dear Goth Kids, Anime Fans, and Sci-Fi Geeks,

Ignoring the fact that half-human, half-vampires defy all laws of everything, suggesting that vampires are actually capable of reproducing sexually, not to mention the radical implications of cross-breeding, would make Darwin weep. So they're dead... yet they still have, ahem... "bodily fluids” and a working undead reproductive system? That just makes my little soul cringe... so I guess I should change my salutation yet again:


Dear Goth Kids, Anime Fans, Sci-Fi Geeks, and people who have such a complete suspension of disbelief that they will allow whatever back-fuck-wards thing any ol' loon off the street thinks of,

There is no way in hell I am capitalizing all that. So, disregarding that fact, this movie also happens to deal with a pet peeve of mine: women who voluntarily love douchebags of the night. Dracula I'm OK with, he had them hypnotized. Nosferatu? So ugly, it could only be magic. But this girl, Charlotte Elbourne (Wendee Lee), has NO spells cast on her. She's under absolutely NO hypnotism, NO mind control... she just... loves vampires. So yet again, I feel I should be more specific:


Dear Goth Kids, Anime Fans, Sci-Fi Geeks, people who have such a complete suspension of disbelief that they will allow whatever back-fuck-wards thing any ol' loon off the street thinks of, and women who are simply making bad life choices -- the ones that even Lifetime deem too stupid to talk about,

Charlotte claims Meir Link (John Rafter Lee) is a “good" vampire (read: “good" douchebag of the night”) and that he has not (since, at least, they started dating) harmed anyone. She would also probably believe that a hooker “wouldn't kiss.” He's a VAMPIRE! They live by taking other people's lives. Lives like yours or, more importantly, mine. Not to mention the supernatural, sadistic, cruel badasses he has that guarding his coach don't seem to be operating from the same ethics manual as your beloved Prince Suckmeister. Don't get me wrong, despite my trouble swallowing the whole half-human, half-vampire thing (Oh, and if any of you out there try to defend this with, “What about 'Blade?'” I'll simply rebuff you with this: Blade may have been half-human, half-douchebag, but he was also 100% Wesley Snipes. A combination of bad and ass so potent that he didn't even have to pay his taxes)... I actually enjoyed the movie, despite all these innate flaws.

It has all the watermarks of things that annoy me, and yet I was still entertained. I enjoyed Leila (Pamela Segall) and D's Left Hand (Michael McShane), especially the relationship between the three of them that had the sick perverse side of me was wondering if there was going to be a love triangle between the three. Which reminds me, I left some people out:


Dear Goth Kids, Anime Fans, Sci-Fi Geeks, people who have such a complete suspension of disbelief that they will allow whatever back-fuck-wards things any ol' loon off the street thinks of, women who are simply making bad life choices -- the ones that even Lifetime deem too stupid to talk about, and fellow like-minded pervs,

"Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust" is a capably crafted and enjoyable piece of impressive animation. How could I not love a movie involving an old man pulling out a gun the size of Danny Trejo? Meir and Charlotte may not be the valedictorians of the school for kids with special needs, but their exploits are laughingly interesting enough... particularly when they plan to leave earth and all the vampire-haters (read: douchebag of the night-haters) behind and launch themselves into... that's right... space (an action, I might add, that would leave Meir with precious few food options, except dear, sweet, insipid Charlotte. Did this bother anyone else?) Not to mention that, apparently, since vampires are supernatural beings, they have a complete disregard for the laws of nature and astrophysics. Too bad, considering the stars they're going to live amongst are actually themselves... suns. Yeah, have fun in space... where there is no night to protect you from, as I like to call it, “that big, round, yellow thing that kills you."

Fucking twits! Now, I have to start all over again:


Dear Goth Kids, Anime Fans, Sci-Fi Geeks, people who have such a complete suspension of disbelief that they will allow whatever back-fuck-wards things any ol' loon off the street thinks of, women who are simply making bad life choices -- the ones that even Lifetime deem too stupid to talk about, and fellow like-minded pervs, and douchebags of the night who have no concept of the most basic laws of astrophysics,

...

Ahhh, the hell with it.

/ 5

Yours Until Hell Freezes Over,
Jeremiah