Sherman: Up All Night -- "Star Slammer"

Today, I'll be shielding you from Fred Olen Ray's “Star Slammer” -- otherwise known as "The Adventures of Taura Prison Ship Star Slammer."

First off, let's look at that title. I know what you're thinking: there should be a colon, a semi-colon or at the very least a comma there, but no... that's the title that flashes onto the screen. The last part is the real beauty: "Prison Ship Star Slammer." Is the title just being redundant, or is the prison ship named Star Slammer? Admittedly having a prison ship called “Star Slammer” is both stupid and redundant. In fact, I'm betting even money that the makers of this movie don't even know or, for that matter, care. The feeling is mutual.

It's hard to believe that we're only three movies into “Sherman: Up All Night” and already I've found my stinker to beat. Say what you want about “Time Barbarians” and “Zapped,” they at least had a particle of entertainment value to them, if only by sheer accident. Then along comes “Star Slammer,” a futuristic, women-in-prison movie, without so much as the obligatory shower scene. O tempora! O mores!

The plot, and I use the term loosely here, has Taura (Sandy Brooke), a miner of some sort, being framed for the murder of a priest and arrested for disfiguring a government official who tried to rape her. How about that, folks -- we started with a movie that had rape, went to a movie that only implied rape, and now we have a movie that merely attempted rape. Things are looking up.

But sadly, the movie doesn't end there.

After arriving on the prison ship, Taura is subjected to abuse from her fellow prisoners as they initiate her into the cell block. She's then taken to meet the warden, Warden Exene (Myra Gant), a busty dominatrix who enjoys her job far more than anyone enjoys this movie. Taura is promptly groped and propositioned by the warden -- so the movie at least has the decency to adhere to some of the time-honored rules of women-in-prison movies.

From there on, it's nothing but trials and tribulations for our heroine and her fellow inmates, who she manges to befriend after showing she can hold her own. Then, wouldn't you know it, half-way through the movie a new crew member is brought aboard and it's none other than the government-employed, disfigured, rape-attempting dynamo: Bantor (Ross Hagen)!

Long story mercifully short, the prisoners plan an escape, all out “war” breaks out on the ship and all the bad guys get their comeuppance.

The only kind thing I can say for the movie is that it single handedly employed the entire Midget Actors Guild. I counted at least eight midgets -- though it may have been the same two midgets over and over. That, and Sandy Brooke really has no problem baring her chest monkeys*. There's even a scene where she changes out of a bloodied shirt while staring directly into the camera in a bizarrely unsettling fashion. I'm not gonna lie, she's got nice..."talent." Her sweater vipers**, the midgets and the over-the-top-of-Mt. Everest performance by Myra Gant as the Warden are the only reasons this movie gets anything more than a half Hayek from me.

At the end of this movie, they tell you watch the further adventures of Taura in “Chain Gang Planet.” I don't like being threatened, Mr. Ray, and I'll thank you if you would simply return the 81 and ¾ minutes of my life and back away slowly, without touching any film equipment.

I deducted the amount of time I was entertained by jiggling breasts, barely covered asses and unflinchingly bad performances.

...

FUCKING MOVIE!

/ 5

Yours Until Hell Freezes Over,
Jeremiah



*Editor's Note: Chest monkeys?
**Another Editor's Note: Sweater vipers?