Sherman: Up All Night

While perusing Thad's review of the new “X-Files” movie, I realized something. Well, “realized” is the wrong word -- it wasn't a revelation so much as a dawning comprehension kind of thing. We here at Three Geek Review have more than done our part in so far as to show you the way towards great, or at the very least decent, entertainment. What we have not done is warn you of the world's steaming piles of cinematic shit, the failures of celluloid.

Now one could ask, “Why should you be forced to watch the movies even we don't want to see?” or, “Why would you go out of your way to watch a bad movie?” The answers are varied, but the one that I'll deal with first is simply this: Perspective.

When you have, as we do, such a steady diet of fun, masterful (and sometimes average) works of film, you tend to loose sight of how good they truly are. Without a reminder of how bad a movie could be, you could end up trashing a rather decent movie just because it's not a masterpiece. Like when all the critics pissed on M. Night. Flag on the play!

Another reason is that bad moves sometimes are just plain fun. I've seen “Tango & Cash,” “Commando” and “Sorority House Massacre II” several times -- not because they're that good, but because they are, not just bad, but hilariously bad. Some movies transcend awful and reach that pinnacle of cheesy schlock, that nirvana of bad film making, so perfect for midnight viewings.

Not to mention how sometimes one can accidentally uncover a truly remarkable film, maybe not one that's universally lauded by all, but one that, for some reason or other, tickles you -- your own personal “Buckaroo Banzai” or “Big Trouble In Little China.”

Don't hold out hope that any of that will happen this month, though. I've done my homework; no little masterpieces are going to be sneaking their way into this marathon. Of all the movies I've selected, none of the have above a 2 star rating on Netflix.

Those of you who grew up during the 90's may remember a little television gem: “USA Up All Night” with Gilbert Godfried and every teenage-boy's dream come true, Rhonda Shear. “Up All Night” went to great pains to show you the classics like “Zapped Again!,” “Bikini Summer II,” “Hardbodies,” “Toxic Avenger” or the ever-popular “Meatballs 4.” Movies that could not be defined, by anyone's standards, as good. Yet they were perfect for what they were: pure, unadulterated, raging piles of crap made to further fuel the rampant onslaught of puberty.

Sweet Jesus, were they terrible. Those of you who live in the Kansas City, MO area may remember “Ray Adams' Late Night Drive-In” Saturday nights on channel 62, or hell... the channel 62 Saturday Matinée, where “Running Man,” “Predator” and “The 'Burbs” reigned supreme.

In honor of USA and 62, and to truly do my service as your online movie critic, I will be dedicating the month of August to shit...ty movies. It shall be christened: “Sherman: Up All Night” -- sadly without Rhonda, Gilbert and (sigh...) Ray Adams.

There will be terrible action, horrific teen sex-comedies [Editor's Note: Other than "Superbad," is there any other kind?" --T] and mind-numbingly bad sci-fi adventures. Oh, the hell we will endure! Still... it'll help keep things in perspective.

At least that's what I'll be telling myself as I try to slog through this boondoggle.

Yours Until Hell Freezes Over,
Jeremiah


P.S. -- For those of you who may wonder what brought this sudden bout of professionalism on, all I can say is: “Blame Kloiber.”