Sherman's Annual October Movie Marathon

Well it's that time of year again: October. Time for the annual October Movie Marathon, where I attempt to watch, at the very least, 31 horror movies. This ranges from the outright terror of “The Exorcist” to the total schlock of “The Unnameable II.”

The important thing to remember about the October Movie Marathon is that we welcome all comers. I'll be watching anything and everything under the sun as long as it was made with the intent to scare, lock you in an uncomfortable level of suspense, shock you with gore or make just you squirm.

“Why?” you may ask? Because I love movies, goddamn it! I love them to the point where, when a genre is overly criticized, I want to come to it's defense... and horror movies have long been the bane of existence to critics and overtly zealous Christians. They have good reason, don't misread. There are a lot of severely bad and exploitative horror films out there -- but you can say that about any genre. Horror movies have the potential to be hauntingly beautiful, such as Guillermo Del Torro's "Devil's Backbone," or downright frightening, like "The Exorcist."

The problem with horror movies is the same basic problem with all movies, only more so: they are extremely subjective. What scares me is not the same thing that scares you, or vice versa. Sadly, another problem is the over-commercialization of the genre. Long gone are the days with interesting ideas, characters you genuinely feel for, monsters that are actually original, and the greatest loss of all -- the absence of subtext!

For the most part, the best horror movies are not about what you think they're about. Rather, there's an underlying film behind it. You can have a truly horrifying movie with strong social commentary, just look at "Candyman" or the original "Wicker Man." More than that most horror movies deal with the two things that scare us the most: death... and sex. Take the 1939 “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” or “Candyman,” “Hellraiser,” “Dracula” in any of incarnations -- the list seems endless. The genre has been so co-opted that the sex has been used as “sexy” as opposed to “uncomfortably sexy”, such as in sex scene from “Don't Look Now.” These sex scenes used to be a statement about our innate fear and uneasiness with the openness of the subject. Oh sure, we're advanced and far more open, but you cannot tell me the topic no longer taboo. Sure we can joke about it, but as for talking seriously about sex -- we're a long way from that. But that's one reason why I love horror movies, they use sex as a way to make you queasy as opposed to aroused; they actually pervert your perversions... awesome.

Then there are the slasher films -- these are hit and miss as well. Jason, Micheal, Freddy and a few other low budget rip-offs are dead, but there's still another string of rip-offs going strong. Why? Simple: it's what you could call our “Gladiator complex.” We enjoy watching pretty stupid people get, not just killed, but slaughtered. Does this make us bad people? No, not really. These people are so unreal it's not even funny. A five-year-old could write better characters. Yet, it's a way to work out our frustrations on our fellow man... to watch them be brutally beaten in a sleeping bag against a tree.

And let us not forget the truly great thing about horror movies: besides being wonderful social commentary about race, sex and socio-economic issues, they're also terrific indicators of the times in which they're made. Go back and watch horror movies from 20-30 years ago. You may not be scared by some of them -- they were made in a different era, with their own set of phobias, stresses, world policy issues and views on the opposite sex or, once again, sex in general. The original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” in comparison to today, is not really all that gory, partly due to it being so low budget, but also because Toby Hooper knew the audience was already over-saturated with images of violence from news footage of the Vietnam War. Society's mind was so conditioned to think violently that all Hooper would have to do would be to suggest the act and the audience's imagination would take them to a place he wouldn't even think of.

By and large, horror movies -- along with westerns -- are on the decline. Mainly because I believe filmmakers have forgotten the potential for imagery the genre holds: Frankenstein's monster in his cell, kneeling and reaching towards the light; the scene from “Creature From the Black Lagoon” where The Creature is swimming underneath Julie Adams and there's this moment of breathtaking empathy of the creature; any scene from “Nosferatu,” the original or Werner Herzog's remake; the same for Del Torro's “Devils Backbone” or Ingmar Bergman's “Hour of the Wolf”; Lee Remick falling off the railing in Richard Donner's “Omen" or, hell... Patrick Troughton becoming priest-ka-bob during a storm after trying to warn Gregory Peck. All this, and I haven't even touched Hitchcock yet.

In summation, this marathon is a classic one and is very dear to my heart. There will be the ones I watch every year: “Evil Dead”, “Sorority House Massacre II,” “Re-Animator” and others. Then there will be those I've never seen, such as “Saw,” “Hostel” and “John Carpenter's Vampires.” There will be some crapter-pieces, to be sure, but there should also be some gems to be unearthed. All in all, it should be interesting. Here's hoping that decapitations, topless sorority girls, monsters, characters we care about and awesome ideas will be abound.

Probably not so much on those last two, but hey... on the whole decapitation and topless sorority girls thing, rest assured it's a done deal.

Yours Until Hell Freezes Over,
Jeremiah

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Batman III: Rumors, Hopes and Fears

"The Dark Knight" was awesome. Really awesome. It blew everything related to comics and movies right out of the water. It's how a comic book movie should be made -- just look at the reviews and the box office sales. Breaking just about every record in the history of movies should expedite the greenlighting of the third one... I just hope it can live up to the hype.

According to internet speculation, the film makers already have their eyes set on the villains for the next movie and who will play them. First on the list, we have Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the Penguin. This is a brilliant choice, if they take the character in the right way.

We all remember Danny DeVito as the Penguin in "Batman Returns": a short, pudgy, disfigured creature that comes out of the sewer to RUN FOR MAYOR. Really? No offense to Danny DeVito or Tim Burton but what the hell? This seems a little far fetched, even for Batman -- still, Lex Luthor was the President at one point in the DC Universe.

This time, they need to lose the wierdo mutant and go for what the Penguin really is: a short, pudgy criminal mastermind with a big, crooked nose and a penchant for dressing up. As far as looks go, think of a heavyset Jewish guy with a broken nose. And forget about face biting and raw fish. He should be as much of a threat to Bruce Wayne as he is to Batman. Have him at the rich parties, mixing it up with politicos and socialites. As far as the crime goes, he steps into the (recently vacant) shoes of the mafia don of Gotham and runs it like a business. No more getting "high" on scarecrow gas, he deals with the Colombians. He changes gambling from street hustling and backroom poker matches into white collar bookies and "Charity" events that draw in the rich and elite. Prostitution moves from streetwalkers to high-end call-girls from escort services. Plus he stops the practice of killing clean cops. Sure the occasional officer has an accident, but they are mostly dirty cops who turn. And if you get caught, you pay your time and he thanks you for it.

All of a sudden the mob is not such a bad thing, and the public starts to notice this. The "White Knight" Harvey Dent's legacy is starting to fade and Batman is still public enemy #1. Yet, behind all this, they don't notice Gotham turning back into what it was when Bruce's parents were killed. Murders in the ghettos, crime and looting running rampant over areas not able to pay "protection" money and the public will blame this on the inevitable crusade Gordon has against the Mob.

Meanwhile the Riddler (who is rumored to be Johnny Depp if the studio has their way) is off leaving vague clues at the crime scenes he caused. He is not very dangerous, just nighttime bank jobs or jewelry stores but Batman is has the Joker fresh on his mind and the Riddler just gives off the vibe. He dresses weird, doesn't play by the rules, he may not even be in it for the money as much as the fame, or whatever joy he will get in outsmarting the cops, and Batman.

The most unrealistic rumor, born of a comment from Julie Newmar, is that Angelina Jolie would be the purr-fect (I am sorry, I had to) Catwoman. This is wrong, and she is some sort of wrong person for suggesting it. Go Christina Ricci as Sherman pointed out to me or, for the Whedon, fans Charisma Carpenter. (Halle Berry is the Auto-fail!) And forget the creepy cat-lady secretary or mild-mannered teacher. That's bullshit.

You have it set up: Selina Kyle is a high-priced call-girl who refuses to join the Mob's brothel so she gets busted and then blacklisted by some crooked cops. So, to get back at the mob and rich men who turned on her she cons her way into lavish parties and makes off with priceless heirlooms and such. She also takes a page from the Batman and dresses the part of a "cat" burglar. Who am I kidding? Just use the Catwoman from "The Long Halloween."

Still, these are just the ramblings of a bored nerd at 5:30 in the morning. Whatever Nolan does will be great, as long as the studio doesn't make him add Ewoks or something.

Whatever, I need to sleep.

-Richard

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Sherman: Up All Night

While perusing Thad's review of the new “X-Files” movie, I realized something. Well, “realized” is the wrong word -- it wasn't a revelation so much as a dawning comprehension kind of thing. We here at Three Geek Review have more than done our part in so far as to show you the way towards great, or at the very least decent, entertainment. What we have not done is warn you of the world's steaming piles of cinematic shit, the failures of celluloid.

Now one could ask, “Why should you be forced to watch the movies even we don't want to see?” or, “Why would you go out of your way to watch a bad movie?” The answers are varied, but the one that I'll deal with first is simply this: Perspective.

When you have, as we do, such a steady diet of fun, masterful (and sometimes average) works of film, you tend to loose sight of how good they truly are. Without a reminder of how bad a movie could be, you could end up trashing a rather decent movie just because it's not a masterpiece. Like when all the critics pissed on M. Night. Flag on the play!

Another reason is that bad moves sometimes are just plain fun. I've seen “Tango & Cash,” “Commando” and “Sorority House Massacre II” several times -- not because they're that good, but because they are, not just bad, but hilariously bad. Some movies transcend awful and reach that pinnacle of cheesy schlock, that nirvana of bad film making, so perfect for midnight viewings.

Not to mention how sometimes one can accidentally uncover a truly remarkable film, maybe not one that's universally lauded by all, but one that, for some reason or other, tickles you -- your own personal “Buckaroo Banzai” or “Big Trouble In Little China.”

Don't hold out hope that any of that will happen this month, though. I've done my homework; no little masterpieces are going to be sneaking their way into this marathon. Of all the movies I've selected, none of the have above a 2 star rating on Netflix.

Those of you who grew up during the 90's may remember a little television gem: “USA Up All Night” with Gilbert Godfried and every teenage-boy's dream come true, Rhonda Shear. “Up All Night” went to great pains to show you the classics like “Zapped Again!,” “Bikini Summer II,” “Hardbodies,” “Toxic Avenger” or the ever-popular “Meatballs 4.” Movies that could not be defined, by anyone's standards, as good. Yet they were perfect for what they were: pure, unadulterated, raging piles of crap made to further fuel the rampant onslaught of puberty.

Sweet Jesus, were they terrible. Those of you who live in the Kansas City, MO area may remember “Ray Adams' Late Night Drive-In” Saturday nights on channel 62, or hell... the channel 62 Saturday Matinée, where “Running Man,” “Predator” and “The 'Burbs” reigned supreme.

In honor of USA and 62, and to truly do my service as your online movie critic, I will be dedicating the month of August to shit...ty movies. It shall be christened: “Sherman: Up All Night” -- sadly without Rhonda, Gilbert and (sigh...) Ray Adams.

There will be terrible action, horrific teen sex-comedies [Editor's Note: Other than "Superbad," is there any other kind?" --T] and mind-numbingly bad sci-fi adventures. Oh, the hell we will endure! Still... it'll help keep things in perspective.

At least that's what I'll be telling myself as I try to slog through this boondoggle.

Yours Until Hell Freezes Over,
Jeremiah


P.S. -- For those of you who may wonder what brought this sudden bout of professionalism on, all I can say is: “Blame Kloiber.”

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Force the Sherman I: The Inception

Earlier this month I posted a blog asking you, the readers, to choose a genre, actor, director or any other manner of film-grouping for me to focus on in the month of June, giving you the rare opportunity to control what I reviewed, to hold the very reins of my movie-watching fate!

Well, the masses have spoken. And by masses, I mean the one person who responded. Victoria Easley of Rolla, Missouri wrote in and suggested films that are animated.

So, June shall be the Month of Animation!

I'll be reviewing the gamut of animated films: foreign, computer animated and old-school hand-drawings for the kids and adults alike.

Animation is the one style of film-making where the imagination is truly free to run rampant without the oppressive fists of the laws of physics and budget constraints in regards to special effects. Or the worry how the effects might look, be it too cheesy and fake or the risk that they may be dated in a few years time. With animation, the sky is the limit. This is why most animated films fall in the realm of fantasy and science fiction.

Yet with all this, there is something almost eerie in how accessible the characters are. The plots are often so outlandish that we just accept them without question. Many of the people I've spoken with have confessed that the most terrifying images from their childhood were that of animated films. Be it the wicked witch from ,“Sleeping Beauty,” the evil Queen from “Snow White,” or the mother's death in “Bambi.”

I cited all Disney films because, until the last few years, the name Disney was -- and in some cases, still is -- synonymous with animation. Early Disney had the uncanny ability to entertain children without talking down to them. They were not afraid to expose children to the roller coaster of emotions in life. In a way, they were entertaining children with one hand, placating them, while, with the other, they were getting them ready for the real world. There are people who do purposeful harm to others, some children do loose their mothers and jealousy can drive people to acts of madness. All while peppering in a nice little song here and there.

The latter is what caused the downfall of Disney, in a way. It got to a point where the songs were redundant, monotonous and only there because every Disney movie, by some unwritten (or at least unpublished) law, had to have at least three songs. Children, while often naive, are not stupid. They can tell, even if only it's subconsciously, when a song is there as filler and has no purpose for the mood or story.

Think I'm wrong? Show a child a newer Disney movie, followed by a classic, and see which one they enjoy more. See which one moves them, which one enraptures them the most.

I guess one could say the downfall of Disney would be their loss of faith in the children's intelligence. Of course there will be those who argue that Disney's business is booming, bigger than ever, and that their children don't seem to notice. You mean quite possibly one of the most ignorant and illiterate generations we've seen in a while? Of course the children are not going to notice a difference! No one exposes them to the old-school stuff!

Another argument one might use would be that the glorious second coming of animation is Pixar. Well, I'm sorry to say that, if that's your argument, you're an idiot. Oh don't get me wrong, Pixar is glorious. They have ushered in a new era of children's animation. However, Disney has nothing to do with those, except to distribute them. Animation-wise, story-wise, director-wise and song-wise (or the lack thereof) is all Pixar. In fact, most of Pixar's inspiration comes from Japanese animators such as Hayao Miyazaki or Isao Takahata ("Princess Mononoke" and "Grave of the Fireflies," respectively).

I realize now that my essay on the glories of animation has turned into a rant about the downfall of Disney. When one starts to bitch about how a mighty business conglomerate has fallen, it's time to call it a wrap. So, in conclusion, this month will be full of nostalgia and discovery -- as much for you, I hope, as for me.

I'll be attempting to post two or three times a week, so check in periodically and see me write myself ragged.

Here we go... this oughta' be a blast.

Yours Until Hell Freezes Over,

Jeremiah

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"Rocketpack Dreams" -Thaddeus

There's a passage in the Bible where St. Paul writes: "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

I hate that passage.

Now I'm sure, since I've never really read scripture, that I am somehow missing a greater context or symbolism or one of those other deep, meaningful things that I'm frequently too thick to pick up on... but the idea that what you are as a child isn't useful anymore when you're an adult is utter foolishness to me.

There's a place, in our hearts and our minds, where we go and while we're there we know that anything is possible -- that, with mere human hands, things of the imagination can be made real.

I believe in heroes because I believed in them as a child. I believe in flight and robots and aliens. I believe there's nothing we can't beat.

...

Dave Stevens died this earlier week.

Stevens created The Rocketeer. He did storyboards for "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and for Michael Jackson's "Thriller."

The movie "The Rocketeer" is one of those things that stuck with me. Sure it wasn't a broad, commercial success, but it worked fine for me. Flight is one of those things that will win me over real easy. Flight and fighting Nazis.

Recently, one of my friends found a collection of "Rocketeer" comics. I read them and I watched the movie again and it was still magic.

We shouldn't let go of adventure, of our dreams, just because we're taller and have to buy our own food now.

Dave Stevens was a guy who gave me more to wish for and dream about, and so, in his honor, I'm telling all of you to take some time this weekend to look back at the things that lit a fire under your own imagination.

-Thad out

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